Should I try again?

It's fun that I'm considering auditioning for the #BiggestLoser this year when right around this time last year I was in my car driving down to Salt Lake City to audition for Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition. It was a spur of the moment type decision that had me go through two call backs & believing that I might make it to the final casting. In the end I didn't receive a call and I was devastated.

Not getting a callback last year felt like a validation for all the worry, self-doubt, and insecurities that I have cocooned myself in my entire life. You know, the feelings that I wasn't fat-pretty enough, not interesting enough....I could go on BUT if there is one thing this last year has taught me....all the negative crap isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days/weeks where I don't see the point in trying. Days where it is such a big obstacle to overcome that I can feel exhausted just thinking about it.

Perfect example -Today. Today was a rough one.

Steven's migraine was on day three and he had started to have chest pains which meant that we were headed to the ER. While I was sitting in the tiny little room, holding my husband's hand as he was passed out, I looked down and just felt despair.

What a cruel joke that I AM the healthiest one in my little family. Right now, I can care for Steven the way he needs but how long can that last? I've lost bits of weight and gained it back for awhile now. I just can't seem to grasp the concept firmly enough to be permanent. I need someone to guide me, to help me find my way (I realize that sounds corny but its the only way I know how to say it).

Despite how much it hurt to not be chosen last time, I want to try again. The casting info calls for former athletes. I've never considered myself a "real" athlete because of my weight but someone very kind pointed out, "If you could powerlift with the football team & place at a state meet...you my friend were an athlete!"

Maybe they are right. Maybe I still am...just under a very dense layer of insulation. Heck, maybe I will audition!

Anyone have a couch I can crash on for a few days in April? Better yet, anyone want to go with me and audition? : )

Real life fluffy

So when I get bored I make things on photoshop...

Salmon Cakes

A few days ago I made these puppies for lunch & a few people on my FB asked for the recipe.

This was put together out of staple items I had in my pantry and fridge...and I didn't measure cuz who's got  time for that?! That being said,, all the measured ingredients are best-guesstimates.

This kind of dancing is contagious...

What's that you say? Why am I so happy and dancing like a fool? Well...I stepped on the scale today. Usually doing so doesn't elicit anything other than a sad shake of the head and a small pep talk BUT today it was all happy dance for the scale read 342. Do you see that number?  For those that are counting, that's a loss of 36 lbs! Take a moment and happy dance with me!!

That felt good right? Added bonus...celebratory dancing counts as cardio, ya know.

I'm also jazzed by the fact that today I'm able to wear a sweatshirt that I have never been able to wear. A couple of years ago I bought this kick-ass sweatshirt. I had wanted to buy it in my size but the store didn't have any available (in truth I don't think they carry them at all but what else is new?!). The lack of availability didn't stop me tho. I bought the next size and set it with the others.

What others you ask?

Oh come on! I can't be the only person that buys clothes that they want to fit into...ya know "GOAL CLOTHES". Hmmm maybe I am the only one that does it. My husband certainly thinks so & questions it at least once a year.

Anywho, after stepping on the scale I dared to go into my closet. Losing weight is one thing, but being able to fit into clothes that you have never been able to fit into before...well that just feels awesome. Typically I wear a pair of jeans and a dark grey shirt, but I have so many cute girly clothes that I want to wear. This is going to be the year that I get to take the tags off the clothes and wear them!!

Look out 2014 cause I'm coming for you!

Who has made a resolution for the new year? I know I have! I also know that in the past...well, let's just say I haven't done so well with keeping them. Usually I do really well in January only to see all of it stop by February, by March I'm wondering why I stopped in the first place, and by April I'm thinking that I'll do better next year!

1st resolution: Don't stop at the end of the month.

I left this open-ended because "Stop what?" Hmmm how about: Don't stop moving. Don't stop believing in yourself. Don't stop trying. Don't stop having fun. Don't stop till you get enough. Ok so that last one was just a joke. The point is that I have a habit of stopping because I don't see results fast enough. I also stop seeing the value in making any sort of a change, but I'm realizing that the value isn't in making the change but the value in me. Does that make any sense?? I'm worth the changes...no matter how long it takes to see the results.

2nd resolution: Relax.

I'm a perfectionist. Just ask my mom or my husband....or anyone that has ever had to work with me on a project. I have put so much pressure on myself in the past to do things perfectly...to plan it until every detail has been covered that lose why I started. So in 2014 I'm going to relax and do what I can. I'll still try to do my best but if it doesn't go smoothly...that's ok. My motto - It doesn't need to be perfect to be perfect.

There have been many times that my journal entry would have looked like this.

and finally...my 3rd resolution is to stopping putting things off until "later" or "next time".

Why do I have to wait to do something? Will I be more successful if I start it at the beginning of the week as opposed to the middle of the week? There is a sort of appealing symmetry in starting something like a weight loss plan at the start of a new week, but the truth is its just an excuse to not do it. It doesn't matter when I start it. I'm not going to lose more if I start on a Monday instead of a Thursday.

I've also decided that each and every single meal that crosses the lips of my family in 2014 will be of my own making. I'm self-trained but a damn fine cook. Fast food and meals from restaurants are fine but they lack flavor. We eat better tasting & healthier food when I'm the one cooking *slight bragging*.

So here's to 2014 and sticking to resolutions!

Absent at the end of '13

The last time I posted it was mid-October. I received an email that broke me a bit if I'm being completely honest.  These entries...this blog is me being raw & as honest as I possibly can be. Just talking about my weight issues, in any form, is a huge step from where I was a few years ago, but putting all the confusing emotions into words is an extreme struggle each and every time.

The email that I received said that I was disgusting and shouldn't put my picture/weight out there for everyone to see. I have hid myself away for so long believing that very thing & it has taken such a long time to feel ok with talking about who I am...fat and all. 

I didn't respond to the email but I did let the words soak into my soul like a black ooze. I've been down, sad...broken for months and haven't talked about it. At the time it felt like a "don't tell" approach was the best idea. Mom was dealing with "maybe" cancer in the lungs. My husband is constantly dealing with excruciating back pain and my issues just seem small when compared. The problem with not telling, not talking is there is no outlet for the pain. Turning to the blog was my way dealing, but after the letter I didn't think I should post anymore. 

Do you see the never ending circle of needing to talk but then feeling like I can't? The last few months have sucked, but with the new year comes changes. I've received a hell of a lot more messages of support and understanding & I'm sorry that I let that one letter sidetrack me. 

I didn't do anything wrong by sharing what I going through. I'm not the only one who is dealing with weight and there are definitely not enough people talking through it (I know...I was one of those that couldn't or wouldn't for a very long time).

I'm still here, still dealing & struggling, still hopeful for 2014.

If you are reading this, dealing with your own weight, or just supportive of those who are struggling - talk & comment. 

Adios to 2013 and to the hateful people that feel better by being cruel to others.

-Cat

setbacks, menus, loss....OH MY!

Holy cannoli!  October has really been a rough one for my family.

First off, I'm sorry for being gone for almost the entire month.  This blog has become an outlet for all the stuff I'm dealing with that I feel I can't say to anyone in person...and I shouldn't have neglected it.

Like a lot of families in the US during the first part of the month, we were worrying over the government shutdown.  Since my husband is a disabled veteran, half of our monthly income comes from the VA.  For the entire two weeks, I was in a constant state of stress and worry over the possibility that we wouldn't be able to make November's mortgage payment.   I tried to have faith that it would all be OK, but in reality I wasn't handling it very well.  I was losing hair and a few times turned to food for comfort which would lead to me feeling guilty.  It got to be too much and I made the decision that I wasn't going to focus on my eating habits as much while it was all going on.  I still tried to watch what I ate, but that decision released a bit of the pressure I was feeling.

You know that cosmic rule...you know the one that says that when something goes wrong...everything goes wrong?!  Oh you don't?  Well, I have proof that it indeed is a rule.  During the shutdown, my stove broke so not only did I have to worry about making a house payment next month, but now I needed to find $100 to pay for the repairs. Oh and we had plumbing issues....you know the kind where your sweet, loving, and carefree child decided that he JUST HAD TO put rocks down that pipe outside.  Well that pipe became clogged with rocks as big as my fist and water started flooding my laundry room.  $300 dollars later my husband (yep the one with the back injury) is digging a 6 1/2 feet deep hole around the pipe so he can remove the rocks.  At almost midnight with my help, he was able to replace the pipes and rebury it.  Can you say STRESS?!

Lit up by my headlights, Steven attempts to fix the pipes.

Fortunately, the government figured something out in the eleventh hour so Steven will get paid in November. All the repairs that we had to do hurt our savings a bit, but we'll survive to fight another day.  Oh and I got a job...at a stay at home job no less which is AMAZING!  

The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions, but I'm settling back into a routine and feel pretty optimistic for what's to come.

I've started planning my menus again so I feel like I'm more in control of what the family is eating. Our family usually eats leftovers for lunch and what I make for breakfast is ALWAYS based on how awake I am :D  It does help to know how much (calorie-wise) a dinner is going to be so I can eat accordingly the rest of the day.  

What I'd like to know is if anyone wants any of these recipes?  If you do I'll make a post or two for them.

I have not been on the scale since the last time I weighed in for this blog.  I didn't want to put that knowledge in my head while I was dealing with all of the crap this past month.  Tomorrow will be the first time in over a month that I do and to be quite honest...I'm nervous.  I have no clue what it will say and that scares me a bit.  The decision I made to not focus on my eating habits was the right thing for me at the time, but I know there will be consequences.  

OH I'm also considering transferring this blog over to a different site.  I can't seem to fix the comment issue and I like being able talk with everyone.