Absent This Week

Sorry I’ve been gone this week (absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?).  A rollercoaster has fewer twists and turns then my life this week.

A few things you should know:

1: The last few weeks I have kicked proverbial butt! I’ve been eating healthy, moving more, and not making fun of myself.  Yep, the last few weeks have been good.

2: I truly care about the people in my life.  Sometimes to my detriment but I do.  I’m often the first to offer help whether it is in the form of a shoulder to cry on, chicken soup or loaning some cash.

3:  There is emotion boiling under the surface at all times…the good and the bad.  This mixed with my tendency to care too much can lead to trouble.  I have known for a long time that this combination has contributed to my weight gain in the past.  I say “in the past” because I believed I had moved past it but apparently not.

This past week I was asked to take a friend down to SLC so he could be with his family.  I’m a road trip junkie and jumped at the chance to help out a friend.  It wasn’t until we got down there that he told me that his marriage was ending.  Both of these people were my friends and I felt for them both.  I was there when they went to talk and saw the heartbreak and tears.  Honestly, it rocked me to my core.  You can’t comfort someone going through something like this…you just can’t.  So I said my goodbyes and headed home thinking the entire way that I wished I could have helped out….made them feel better….anything to help my friends.

Halfway home, I stopped in Drummond, MT to clean out the car and my aptitude for injury reared its ugly head.  Somehow, I managed to remove a three inch strip of skin off my shin (btw don’t do this…it hurts like the flames of hell are licking your skin). By the time I got home I was exhausted, sad, and in pain.   My poor husband!  He got to watch his wife laugh, cry, and then question if she was going crazy…over and over again.

I don’t do well when I’m exhausted.

It’s now Friday and I am well rested, but my leg still feels like I’ve taken a potato peeler to it.   I’m also still incredibly sad but I’ve now added anger to the mix.  I get that I can’t fix or help everyone….it isn’t even my responsibility to try, but this is who I am!  I feel sadness that a friend’s marriage is over. I feel for the kids who are going through this.  Now, I’m also angry.  I’m angry that my so called friend isn’t speaking to me any longer because…well I’m not really sure.  Maybe it’s because I drove her husband down to SLC? Maybe it’s because...hell I don’t know! I didn’t do anything wrong.  I was a good person and a good friend. 

For the last four days I have let the loss of this friendship eat away at me…while I ate crappy fatty food.  I’ve tried to deal with the issue directly but you can only do so much when they won’t answer their phone.  I’ve tried exercising the anger and stress away but my leg isn’t cooperating.  So, after going through the known ways of dealing, I fell back to comfort eating.  The only difference is now I instantly regret doing so.

So as of today, I’ve decided that I’m letting that friendship go completely.  I can’t stress and worry over this anymore.  I have my own problems that I need to deal with.  I hate to say it but it’s probably better this way.  Yes, I care…probably too much, but if a friendship is going to make me act like this I don’t need it.

  Tomorrow is a new day with healthier food choices, a clearer head, and good friends I can count on.