Let me start off by asking you a question. Is there anything that you would like to do but can't? What's holding you back?
For me, the answer is a resounding YES! I am an adventurous person by nature who has not had much of said adventure in her life. Why? Mostly because my weight has always been above the maximum limits.
I went to Hawaii a few years ago. I loved every minute of it but my weight restricted what I could do. Helicopter tour around the island? Sounds like a once in a lifetime dream but nope...not for me. Even 6 years ago my weight was too high & I would have put the helicopter, the pilot, myself...heck probably the entire population of Oahu in danger.
Even flying to the island was difficult. Those seats & those belts....can you say seat belt extender? Nothing puts a damper on a dream vacation like starting it out by having to make adjustments because of your size.
Let me take you back to one of my most vivid & dark moments of my adult life.
The plane had arrived in San Francisco late and I was the last one on the plane that was flying out to Oahu. Everyone else had stowed their bags & were waiting for takeoff when here I come...very large, out of breath girl with a grin stretching from ear to ear. I was going to Hawaii for a week! Of course I was smiling until I got to the only empty seat left of the plane.
Sitting in the adjoining seat was a very pretty and slender woman. She took one look at the empty seat, one look at me, & her whole demeanor changed. I will never forget the look of uncomfortable disgust that flashed across her face. I tried to ignore it, said hello, and sat in my seat crestfallen that I had made someone feel so uncomfortable by just being in the same space as her.
40 minutes into the flight I just couldn't shake this pressing sense of despair. I wanted to talk to her...to somehow show her that I was a good and great person. Someone worth having a conversation with instead of...well instead of whatever her preconceived notions of me where. I swear I tried three or four times to talk with her, but each time my eyes would start to tear up and I would have to choke down a sob.
So instead I wrote her a letter on my phone. I never gave it to her but I still have it saved after all this time...
"Excuse me. I know that I am a big girl & I'm sorry that you have the misfortune of being in the seat next to me. If there was something that I could do to make your flight more comfortable (maybe by moving to a different seat) I would gladly do so.
I hate myself, my body, and how big I am. Please forgive me"
Can you imagine ever thinking this way about yourself? Today I'm in a good place, a strong place where I can grieve for the girl that I was back then. To think that I ever felt like I needed to apologize for merely existing is heart breaking.
