Four weeks down...

As of yesterday (February 24th 2015) I will have been working out & really focusing on me for an entire month.

The first two weeks were really amazing. I lost a little over 16 pounds, my energy was higher than it has ever been, and I was excited to have this new routine in my life. The third week saw me struggle a bit.

Valentine's Day happened and my sodium intake was probably a bit higher than it should have been. I stepped on the scale & had gained 3 pounds. I won't lie & say that I took it in stride...that I just shrugged it off and went to workout. No, I freaked out a bit & found myself doing things that the old me would do. I started thinking that it wasn't worth it. I thought that taking a day off from the exercise & healthy eating would be ok. I mean I worked my tail off in the gym...sweated till it was covering everything and I still gained?!

In near tears I headed for the door of the gym. The plan was to go home & sulk. Those numbers were defeating me & I was going to let them sabotage the rest of my day. Heck, I probably would have let it ruin the rest of my week, but as I was walking out I decided to stop by Jenny's desk. Man am I glad that I did.

The high salt intake over week three had me retaining water. Never before had I stopped to consider what that meant but WOW now I know it is a real thing. My conversation with Jenny and my trainer, Jen, left me feeling hopeful that this wasn't a defining moment to showcase something else that I had failed at. With a renewed optimism I went and worked out. I drank a ton of water & really focused on what I what for the next 24 hours which led me to losing 3 lbs. 3LBS!!

The rest of the third week, I held onto that 3 lbs like a life preserver. Anytime I started doubting myself or consider eating like crap I would reach for that 3 lb reminder. Did it help? Definitely. Did it help every time? No. I am still in the progress of breaking a lifetime of bad habits...both mentally & physically. In a perfect world I would make no mistakes & my habits would correct themselves with little effort on my part. Yes that would be a perfect world, but I don't live there.

I live in a world where daily I am stressed over something. In a world where I still want to reach for food to deal with that stress. I haven't yet but there are times where it is truly it's own workout to say no & change directions.

When week four rolled around I was still focusing on what I had learned in week 3. I was in the gym twice a day & feeling good. That was until Thursday morning where I woke up with some of the worst back pain I have felt in a long time. Sitting up straight was a challenge. Sitting slouched over was difficult. Simply put I was miserable.

For a brief moment I considered canceling my time with my trainer & crawling back into bed, but that is what I have done my whole life. I don't want to be that person anymore so I met with Jen for my session. By the end of it I was feeling a bit better. And by that I mean I could sit slouched without tearing up.

After the gym I decided to go see my chiropractor up in Kalispell. It was a bit of an insane spur-of-the-moment decision to travel so far but Dr Neiter is totally worth it. My visit with him had me walking straight with little to no pain at all. I really need to convince him to move to this area lol.

The next 2 days I was traveling back home. Between the weather & a late night hanging out with a friend, I didn't have time or try to make the time to get in any sort of a workout and man o man did I notice it. I felt sluggish and slow. My motivation disappeared so much so that by Monday I wanted to do nothing but sit. It really amazes me how easily I can slip back into old habits.

Just when I think I have a handle on the situation I will go off track in one way or another. I guess I should give myself more than a couple weeks to create new habits? And maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. At least I'm better than I was when this started a month ago.

All of that brings me to the start of week 5....how about I put that part in a video. If you've read this far you deserve a break :D

17 days down...

What do these three bags of sugar and 3 1/2 blocks of butter mean to you?

Yes it could be for cookies but...

Stressed

After my workout yesterday, I got a call from my husband. Normally our conversations are the typical "How's your day? How are you feeling" sort of thing but this one was different.

As I have mentioned in the past, Steven has a pretty horrible back injury that has left him in incredible amounts of pain for almost ten years. We have struggle to find ways to help him manage the pain or to find a VA doctor that would help correct the issue. Since our move to the Bozeman area, we have been lucky enough to find a bit of both & the VA is in the process of getting a spinal fusion surgery approved. This in itself is the miracle we have been praying for, but this miracle doesn't come without it's own set of problems.

See the recovery time for something like this is usually 3 or more months & Steven's work will only cover a month of LOA at full pay. So now we are faced with the option of Steven potentially getting better but at the cost of not being able to pay our bills...like our mortgage. 

The stress of this has been killing me. I had a full blown panic attack last night - complete with tears, hyperventilating, chest pain...and to top it off a bloody nose. You could say that I was a complete mess. Before I started making changes to be a better me, I would have turned to a nice piece of chocolate cake to comfort me through all of this, but last night I didn't want that to be an option so I was left with this overwhelming problem and no way of dealing with it. 

I'm headed off to the gym in a about five minutes with nothing in my stomach (since I can't hold anything down right now), on 4 hours of sleep (since I couldn't stop thinking and worrying), and a confused mind & heart. Today, I really don't know how I'm going to do this.

*update*

I found how to do it. There are is an amazing group of people at The Ridge that helped me focus on me instead of what was going on at home. I worked out with Jen for a hour, my muscles are exhausted but my mind feels a bit more centered.

I still have no idea how we are going to handle Steven's surgery and the recovery but somehow we'll manage.

Starting point

Today, I got up & was excited about what I had going on. I was meeting with, Jackie, my health coach & then with Jen, one of my trainers.

Talking with Jackie was comfortable. Don't get me wrong - We talked about uncomfortable issues but she is easy to talk with which made the whole process much easier. I really do think that having a health coach has been a vital missing link. With Jackie I'm going to be looking at the whys and the hows which will help me understand and manage my food/weight issues.

Up next was my meeting with Jen. She seems kind and understanding but driven & passionate about what she is doing. We started out with a bit of Q & A and then headed to the locker room to get acquainted with the scale. Now, I love the scale most of the time. I love that it is unbiased & a clear fact. A scale doesn't lie or get mad. It doesn't judge you as you stand there all vulnerable. It just does it's job and tells you where you're at. Well, it did it's job and certainly told be where I'm at...390.8 lbs.

Am I embarrassed but that number? YES! Am I ashamed? No. It is what it is and all I can do is go forward. Getting angry or being ashamed is only going to make me focus on the number. I have better things to focus on...like making it a smaller one :D

So after the scale Jen put me on a treadmill. I started feeling pain in my back after a minute and a half. The side of my calves started cramping after 5 minutes. By 7 minutes I was reconsidering this whole thing but I pushed past it and made it to ten minutes. It's not much but for me, right now, it's a victory.

After the treadmill there were squats and bicep curls. The curls felt familiar, but the squats? My quads were killing me. My hope is that tomorrow I can do better than today & when you think about it...that's all anyone can really hope for. I just want to be a better me than the day before.

After I was done I could barely walk but somehow managed to make it to my car.

I made it home & really had to fight the negative thoughts that had started creeping in. You know the ones...the ones where you question if this is possible or the ones where you just tear yourself down for the pitiful state that your health is in. It seems to be an automatic response for me but I really & truly want to change that.

Jenny's spidey senses must have been tingling because she gave me a call and said all the things that I needed to hear. I got off the phone with a renewed attitude and went about my day being conscious of the choices that I was making.

All in all, I am glad that I went to the gym today & that I know where I'm starting from.

Oh and I wanted to share this with you. My son, Caleb, has been very supportive & understanding considering his age. He is a main source of motivation and I couldn't be prouder to call him my kid.

Until next time
-Cat

The Opportunity of a Lifetime...

In an effort to really and I mean REALLY lose this weight that I have tried over and over and over to lose, I made a call to the local gym here in Bozeman. I spoke with a really nice lady named Emily. She took my info and promised to have someone give me a call back. 

Now, I believe that some people are just meant to be in your life. Call it divine intervention or fate if you will but some are just meant to affect the course of your life. That's where Jenny enters the picture. She called me back & with that one conversation my world started to change.

I met with her a few days later to tour the facility & to meet a few of the other...I'm going to call them angels because they really are! I had emailed my video letter to Chris Powell and my Extreme Makeover submission to them prior to my visit. In other words they already knew where I was coming from. We talked about what my life was like and what I wanted. There were tears shed during the conversation. I mean this is ME we are talking about & the topic is a pretty darn emotional subject for me. At the end of the meeting, I felt excited, nervous but above all I felt hopeful. 

On Friday, I went back to discuss options and walked out of there with an entire plan! As of Tuesday January 27th 2015, I will be working with not one but TWO trainers, a small group of people that know the struggle, and a health coach!! Take a moment and re-read that last sentence. Go ahead, I'll wait...

Awesome huh?!

I know that I have so much work ahead of me, but this really is an opportunity of a lifetime. I am pumped and ready to do this with their guidance and support system. 

Now, I just have to go and buy some shoes and if you know me I really hate shoes but something tells me I won't get away with wearing flip flops.

Day 1...the remix

Oh hey hello there! It's but quite awhile since I've posted anything. Since March of 2014 to be precise & I don't really have a good reason for my absence.

So what has been going on since I last posted? Thanks for asking...you're very kind! Well, we moved to Belgrade and I stopped focusing on my weight loss. That's about all that has happened really in the past almost year.

My husband has been struggling health-wise & it was just easier to focus on being there for him. Ok, maybe easier isn't the best word to use...but it was certainly a great excuse to not look at myself much. Steven's health is still what it is...it needs improving, but I'm done not looking at myself.

I mean come on, I'm great. I think...sometimes.

The point is that I've come to realize that I'm worth focusing on. To start, I made a phone call to The Ridge Athletic Club in Bozeman which led me to meeting with some of their wonderful staff. I really can't put into words how I felt when I left there today. Hopeful maybe...or excited...or even nervous but in a good way. The opportunity that I have is what dream are made of. It will be a sweaty, hard-working, and sometimes difficult one but still a dream.

So here I am...starting over again but with more hope and determination that this time isn't going to end like all the others.

Today, I am going to weigh myself (not looking forward to that part), take measurements, and remain positive. After All, those numbers might be what I am right now but they don't define my future.

Until next time - Cat

Should I try again?

It's fun that I'm considering auditioning for the #BiggestLoser this year when right around this time last year I was in my car driving down to Salt Lake City to audition for Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition. It was a spur of the moment type decision that had me go through two call backs & believing that I might make it to the final casting. In the end I didn't receive a call and I was devastated.

Not getting a callback last year felt like a validation for all the worry, self-doubt, and insecurities that I have cocooned myself in my entire life. You know, the feelings that I wasn't fat-pretty enough, not interesting enough....I could go on BUT if there is one thing this last year has taught me....all the negative crap isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days/weeks where I don't see the point in trying. Days where it is such a big obstacle to overcome that I can feel exhausted just thinking about it.

Perfect example -Today. Today was a rough one.

Steven's migraine was on day three and he had started to have chest pains which meant that we were headed to the ER. While I was sitting in the tiny little room, holding my husband's hand as he was passed out, I looked down and just felt despair.

What a cruel joke that I AM the healthiest one in my little family. Right now, I can care for Steven the way he needs but how long can that last? I've lost bits of weight and gained it back for awhile now. I just can't seem to grasp the concept firmly enough to be permanent. I need someone to guide me, to help me find my way (I realize that sounds corny but its the only way I know how to say it).

Despite how much it hurt to not be chosen last time, I want to try again. The casting info calls for former athletes. I've never considered myself a "real" athlete because of my weight but someone very kind pointed out, "If you could powerlift with the football team & place at a state meet...you my friend were an athlete!"

Maybe they are right. Maybe I still am...just under a very dense layer of insulation. Heck, maybe I will audition!

Anyone have a couch I can crash on for a few days in April? Better yet, anyone want to go with me and audition? : )