Day 2

You know what's hard?  Exercising when the self-doubt that has been a constant companion for years rears its ugly head and starts messing with your mind.  I mean lets be honest, going into a gym when you ARE the largest person in the room is hard enough.  But when you add in all the things that you have heard over the years...and it fills your head to the point that you can't really focus on what you're doing, working out becomes almost impossible.

To be fair it has been a few years since anyone has actually said anything to me or about me that focuses on my weight (for the most part my name is now associated with words like awesome, cool, funny and amazing lol).  The denial I have used as a shield let me happily believe that it was because I wasn't THAT big and no one saw it.  Now that I'm confronting all of this crap, I see that the voices that I let ruin my workout, my mood, and my day are all coming from the immature adolescents of my youth.  At thirty years old I am letting the words of 10 and 11 year-olds affect my fate.  To put it in these terms it seems almost laughable, right?!

So today at the gym I squashed those voices...told them to get the heck up outta here and leave me be.  No, I wasn't talking out loud (although I did have my headphones in and I could have been and not know it) but yelling at myself internally saying "I CAN DO THIS!", "PUSH IT A LITTLE FURTHER!", "DON'T GIVE UP!".  At first it was a jumbled mess of my encouragements and all the things I have let stop me in the past, but the negativity quieted to a dull murmur and if just for a few moments let myself believe in the encouragement.

I find myself sitting here tired, sweaty, and really proud.  I've done something for myself. Something that didn't have to do with Steven's back and migraine pain.  Something that didn't involve me looking after my child or three dogs...it was all for me for 45 blissfully hard working minutes.

I'm not delusional enough to think that I have quieted the voices of the past for ever but I can feel this subtle confidence that wasn't there a few days ago.  Today I proved to myself that I can do this and if I try hard enough I can push through the bad moments and feel better about myself.  Thank you to all the friends (new and old) that helped me in getting to this small step.  I have no doubt in my mind that all the kind words that were said yesterday were a huge part in having the strength for today.

-Cat