Not getting a callback last year felt like a validation for all the worry, self-doubt, and insecurities that I have cocooned myself in my entire life. You know, the feelings that I wasn't fat-pretty enough, not interesting enough....I could go on BUT if there is one thing this last year has taught me....all the negative crap isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days/weeks where I don't see the point in trying. Days where it is such a big obstacle to overcome that I can feel exhausted just thinking about it.
Perfect example -Today. Today was a rough one.
Steven's migraine was on day three and he had started to have chest pains which meant that we were headed to the ER. While I was sitting in the tiny little room, holding my husband's hand as he was passed out, I looked down and just felt despair.
What a cruel joke that I AM the healthiest one in my little family. Right now, I can care for Steven the way he needs but how long can that last? I've lost bits of weight and gained it back for awhile now. I just can't seem to grasp the concept firmly enough to be permanent. I need someone to guide me, to help me find my way (I realize that sounds corny but its the only way I know how to say it).
Despite how much it hurt to not be chosen last time, I want to try again. The casting info calls for former athletes. I've never considered myself a "real" athlete because of my weight but someone very kind pointed out, "If you could powerlift with the football team & place at a state meet...you my friend were an athlete!"
Maybe they are right. Maybe I still am...just under a very dense layer of insulation. Heck, maybe I will audition!
Anyone have a couch I can crash on for a few days in April? Better yet, anyone want to go with me and audition? : )
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