Still alive

I'm still here and working on a better me that I can say I'm proud of. Summer has been crazy and I've deviated from stuff a bit but starting tomorrow I'm back in the gym. 

I can feel myself getting irritable and restless from not being in the gym as much the past week. Being irritable and restless is a horrible combination when you're trying to eat healthy. At least for me my ability to step away from the pizza or step away from the cheeseburger is a hell of a lot harder when I haven't done all that I can. It's an interesting situation when you think about it. If I don't exercise I don't eat healthy but if I exercise I do eat healthy.

I think there might be something to that but I'll have to explain a bit more. 

Sliding in Week 12

I have a confession to make.

Today I slide back into the comfortable and unhealthy habits that I relied on heavily three months ago.

I bought and ate a piece of chocolate cake. It was sweet and rich and....didn't help me at all.

What's up with that, cake? I mean you were my go to for all emotional issues for years. Could it possibly be that you NEVER helped?! Could it be that you were just a distraction from the real issues? For the last three months I have missed your company, your taste, and magic salve that would fix my day. I feel foolish for putting my trust in such a small bakery item.

I would like to say that now I know better, but right now all I can focus on is the fact that I am utterly sick to my stomach from all of that chocolate.

I feel ashamed that I went there.

I am disgusted with how my body feels.

Dear lord I think I might be sick...

So what caused my current state?

17 days down...

What do these three bags of sugar and 3 1/2 blocks of butter mean to you?

Yes it could be for cookies but...

Should I try again?

It's fun that I'm considering auditioning for the #BiggestLoser this year when right around this time last year I was in my car driving down to Salt Lake City to audition for Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition. It was a spur of the moment type decision that had me go through two call backs & believing that I might make it to the final casting. In the end I didn't receive a call and I was devastated.

Not getting a callback last year felt like a validation for all the worry, self-doubt, and insecurities that I have cocooned myself in my entire life. You know, the feelings that I wasn't fat-pretty enough, not interesting enough....I could go on BUT if there is one thing this last year has taught me....all the negative crap isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days/weeks where I don't see the point in trying. Days where it is such a big obstacle to overcome that I can feel exhausted just thinking about it.

Perfect example -Today. Today was a rough one.

Steven's migraine was on day three and he had started to have chest pains which meant that we were headed to the ER. While I was sitting in the tiny little room, holding my husband's hand as he was passed out, I looked down and just felt despair.

What a cruel joke that I AM the healthiest one in my little family. Right now, I can care for Steven the way he needs but how long can that last? I've lost bits of weight and gained it back for awhile now. I just can't seem to grasp the concept firmly enough to be permanent. I need someone to guide me, to help me find my way (I realize that sounds corny but its the only way I know how to say it).

Despite how much it hurt to not be chosen last time, I want to try again. The casting info calls for former athletes. I've never considered myself a "real" athlete because of my weight but someone very kind pointed out, "If you could powerlift with the football team & place at a state meet...you my friend were an athlete!"

Maybe they are right. Maybe I still am...just under a very dense layer of insulation. Heck, maybe I will audition!

Anyone have a couch I can crash on for a few days in April? Better yet, anyone want to go with me and audition? : )