Sliding in Week 12

I have a confession to make.

Today I slide back into the comfortable and unhealthy habits that I relied on heavily three months ago.

I bought and ate a piece of chocolate cake. It was sweet and rich and....didn't help me at all.

What's up with that, cake? I mean you were my go to for all emotional issues for years. Could it possibly be that you NEVER helped?! Could it be that you were just a distraction from the real issues? For the last three months I have missed your company, your taste, and magic salve that would fix my day. I feel foolish for putting my trust in such a small bakery item.

I would like to say that now I know better, but right now all I can focus on is the fact that I am utterly sick to my stomach from all of that chocolate.

I feel ashamed that I went there.

I am disgusted with how my body feels.

Dear lord I think I might be sick...

So what caused my current state?

The week has sucked.

My kid almost caused a fire with a few extremely baked biscuits in the microwave & the entire house smelled like it belonged on the set of Reign of Fire or Backdraft. After 5 days of having all the windows open (in April in Montana) and doing 38 loads of laundry, the smell is faint but still there. At this point I have just decided to go with it and call it my new perfume.

Caleb has also been going through a "I'm going to lie about everything no matter what it is" phase. Truly I don't understand why he is lying about some of the stupidest stuff imaginable. For example, the whip cream canister that he took to school in his backpack. If not for the lying I would have found it comically that he went to such length and ended up with a notebook full of the stuff.

He also said something on the playground and because of the world that we live in was suspended for half a day.

Please let this be puberty and not some sort of demon possession. Puberty I can handle & there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel. The other I think holy water is involved?!

My husband. (I love him dearly and if he happens to be reading this...I'm sorry for putting this out there but this is my place to speak my mind no matter the topic)

He has been having a rough time in terms of back pain & his migraines. In the last two weeks we have been to the ER twice...yeah it's been that kind of month for us. On top of all the pain, there is stress from work that has preoccupied him a lot lately. AND then there is World of Warcraft. Now I play WoW too & I understand why he plays it as much as he does. He uses it as an escape from the pain and the PTSD. All of that I'm cool with. But lately, I can't help thinking "What about me?" Would it really be so hard to ask about my day, my workout, my weigh-ins, or just about me? The lack of attention has made me feel a bit isolated & alone. (I can't believe that I want some attention)

The newness of this new life is also starting to wane. It's becoming routine which I both love and hate. I can't quite articulate why this is bugging me. I mean I'm happy that going to the gym and eating healthy (let's not discuss that cake) is becoming a habit, but I miss the newness & excitement that surrounded the start of this whole thing.

Overall, all of the this has caused me to stress and make choices that I probably shouldn't have. *Sigh* I guess the only thing that I can do it believe that tomorrow is a new day & another chance to make the right choices.