Week 9 & the Start of Week 10

First with the good news. When I weighed in at the start of week 9, the scale said 357. That means that I have lost a total of 33 lbs so far.

The bad news? Other than the weigh in, all of week 9 sucked.

Not in a my life was going crazy and I turned to my old "eat the stress away" sort of suck...it was more of a being a woman this week sucks and my whole body hurts and I don't want to move because it will hurt sort of way.

I didn't go to the gym much during the week and my whole being felt it. My body was craving the movement & exercise. My mind was constantly thinking of what I should have been doing instead of laying in bed trying not to cry.

Knowing that my body needed the rest I stayed in the fetal position but the self-doubt and negative thoughts started creeping into my mind.

It's so incredibly hard to stay positive when "I'm never going to really lose all this weight" and "What's the point?" type thoughts are running through my head. Fortunately, my trainer (Kristi) and health coach (Jackie) both had me start doing positive thinking homework recently.
And I'll say this...I thought that the homework was ridiculous at first. I felt like I was a pretty positive person and this sort of homework was a waste of time. But here's the thing, I weighed almost 400 lbs 10 weeks ago. Obviously I had no clue! I needed help so I did the homework like the A student that I have always tried to be, and you know what?! They were right.

The positive person that I am for everyone else was no where in sight when it came to myself. The self-derogatory jokes that I started using as a shield have now become second nature & that doesn't help anyone. The "I'm never going to really lose all this weight" and "What's the point?" mindset just gives me an excuse to fail. After all, if I don't believe that this is possible who else is going to believe?

On Friday night I made the decision that I was going to replace the negative with a positive. I'm not very good at it right now and I struggle but it will get better. So in an effort to keep me thinking about the good, please follow in my friend Maria's foot steps and call me out on it when I start being negative. She also punches me in the arm, but I think that can be for extreme cases only.

Easter  - April 2015

In an attempt to be and act more positive I finally got out of bed and went to the gym. My workout wasn't what I would have liked but I still felt good afterwards. So good in fact that I decided to go look at bicycles. Spring is here
(although Montana would have you believe otherwise) and I want to do things with my son.

Walmart has a pretty nice selection and I found one that I liked...and bonus points for it being in my price range. The only hitch is that it had a weight limit. Did you know that bicycles have weight limits? I didn't.

It's damn near impossible to stay positive when you have to look your son in the eye and tell him that you can't get a bike because you still weigh too much.

Watching the excitement drain from his face while he tried to hide his disappointment is something that I NEVER want to see again. I also hate the fact that I have to wait until next summer to ride a bike.

This week has the possibility of not being much better.

My son has decided that telling a lie is better than actually doing homework. Oh and he thinks that my kitchen supplies work better smashed, dismantled, or disfigured.  Steven, on the other hand, is completely out of pain medication with no idea of when he will be getting more in.

Between the worry over my son's behavior & grades and the stress over watching Steven suffer, I'm not sure how to find the positive. I guess I can find it in the fact that I'm not eating to deal but even that doesn't seem like much.

I've also been up for almost 24 hours so that doesn't help much when trying to think positive.

So here's to finding time to sleep, getting in all my workouts, making good choices, and finding the good moments in week 10..