Nothing Is Going to Hold Me Back

Let me start off by asking you a question. Is there anything that you would like to do but can't? What's holding you back?

For me, the answer is a resounding YES! I am an adventurous person by nature who has not had much of said adventure in her life. Why? Mostly because my weight has always been above the maximum limits.

I went to Hawaii a few years ago. I loved every minute of it but my weight restricted what I could do. Helicopter tour around the island? Sounds like a once in a lifetime dream but nope...not for me. Even 6 years ago my weight was too high & I would have put the helicopter, the pilot, myself...heck probably the entire population of Oahu in danger.

Even flying to the island was difficult. Those seats & those belts....can you say seat belt extender? Nothing puts a damper on a dream vacation like starting it out by having to make adjustments because of your size.

Let me take you back to one of my most vivid & dark moments of my adult life.

The plane had arrived in San Francisco late and I was the last one on the plane that was flying out to Oahu. Everyone else had stowed their bags & were waiting for takeoff when here I come...very large, out of breath girl with a grin stretching from ear to ear. I was going to Hawaii for a week! Of course I was smiling until I got to the only empty seat left of the plane.

Sitting in the adjoining seat was a very pretty and slender woman. She took one look at the empty seat, one look at me, & her whole demeanor changed. I will never forget the look of uncomfortable disgust that flashed across her face. I tried to ignore it, said hello, and sat in my seat crestfallen that I had made someone feel so uncomfortable by just being in the same space as her. 

40 minutes into the flight I just couldn't shake this pressing sense of despair. I wanted to talk to her...to somehow show her that I was a good and great person. Someone worth having a conversation with instead of...well instead of whatever her preconceived notions of me where. I swear I tried three or four times to talk with her, but each time my eyes would start to tear up and I would have to choke down a sob.

So instead I wrote her a letter on my phone. I never gave it to her but I still have it saved after all this time...

"Excuse me. I know that I am a big girl & I'm sorry that you have the misfortune of being in the seat next to me. If there was something that I could do to make your flight more comfortable (maybe by moving to a different seat) I would gladly do so. 
I hate myself, my body, and how big I am. Please forgive me"

Can you imagine ever thinking this way about yourself? Today I'm in a good place, a strong place where I can grieve for the girl that I was back then. To think that I ever felt like I needed to apologize for merely existing is heart breaking.

After I got home I kind of shut down. I stopped wanting to go places or do things that would put me in a similar position. I still dreamed of travel and having adventures but the emotional toll just wasn't worth it.

However, that is all changing. The weight is going to come off. I won't be above the maximum limits any longer & I can finally make plans to do some of the things I've always dreamed of. I'm also gaining some much need confidence when it comes to wanting to try new things.

So what do I want to do?

Well I'm glad you asked! Here is my wish list of all the things I want to do:

go dog sledding (weight limit 325)

feel the wind in my face zip-lining (weight limit 270)

Bungee Jump (sorry mom) (Weight limit 265)

give it a go on the trapeze (weight limit 250)

Sky dive (weight limit 240)

Scuba dive (weight limit 175)

definitely and finally ride in a helicopter (weight limit 175)

go surfing (weight limit unknown)

try my hand at rock climbing (weight limit unknown)

I would also love to renew my vows.

Of course I know a lot of these will probably never happen but there is possibility in my life now & I can dream of making these a reality. After all, what's going to hold me back now?