Still alive

I'm still here and working on a better me that I can say I'm proud of. Summer has been crazy and I've deviated from stuff a bit but starting tomorrow I'm back in the gym. 

I can feel myself getting irritable and restless from not being in the gym as much the past week. Being irritable and restless is a horrible combination when you're trying to eat healthy. At least for me my ability to step away from the pizza or step away from the cheeseburger is a hell of a lot harder when I haven't done all that I can. It's an interesting situation when you think about it. If I don't exercise I don't eat healthy but if I exercise I do eat healthy.

I think there might be something to that but I'll have to explain a bit more. 

A quick video update

This isn't long but I needed to get this somewhere besides my head. 

A Reminder

Why am I doing this?

I've found myself asking this question a few times over the past four months. The answer this time came in the form of a climbing harness at the Spire Climbing Center. 

The kid has fallen in love with climbing.

The first time we went, I could only look at the harness and make jokes. Last weekend I was able to get it on and buckled...except for that one that goes over the butt. It just didn't want to go there. This weekend who knows!? What I do know is that it's an immediate goal that is in reach. 

For now I'm using it to keep going...to walk that extra bit on the treadmill & lift that last few reps when my arms feel like jelly. 

Spending quality time with my husband and son, doing something active is why I'm not stopping (even when I want to)

UP NEXT: A quick and easy recipe guaranteed to put a smile on your face! 

Caleb's BAM Chicken. 

Good News

Guess who is going to be on the radio? 

Well yes lots of musicians but also ME!

On May 28th at 7:30am I will be on 100.7 XL Country.

I'm a wee bit excited!

Stessed

Today this smile on my face is just for show. 

Week 14

I've let the stress and worry over the past week overwhelm me. I've used it as an excuse to not be the bad ass beast I've worked to be. 

This week that all changes. I'm back in the weight room and on the treadmill sweating like crazy & making progress. 

Week 9 & the Start of Week 10

First with the good news. When I weighed in at the start of week 9, the scale said 357. That means that I have lost a total of 33 lbs so far.

The bad news? Other than the weigh in, all of week 9 sucked.

Not in a my life was going crazy and I turned to my old "eat the stress away" sort of suck...it was more of a being a woman this week sucks and my whole body hurts and I don't want to move because it will hurt sort of way.

I didn't go to the gym much during the week and my whole being felt it. My body was craving the movement & exercise. My mind was constantly thinking of what I should have been doing instead of laying in bed trying not to cry.

Knowing that my body needed the rest I stayed in the fetal position but the self-doubt and negative thoughts started creeping into my mind.

It's so incredibly hard to stay positive when "I'm never going to really lose all this weight" and "What's the point?" type thoughts are running through my head. Fortunately, my trainer (Kristi) and health coach (Jackie) both had me start doing positive thinking homework recently.

Nothing Is Going to Hold Me Back

Let me start off by asking you a question. Is there anything that you would like to do but can't? What's holding you back?

For me, the answer is a resounding YES! I am an adventurous person by nature who has not had much of said adventure in her life. Why? Mostly because my weight has always been above the maximum limits.

I went to Hawaii a few years ago. I loved every minute of it but my weight restricted what I could do. Helicopter tour around the island? Sounds like a once in a lifetime dream but nope...not for me. Even 6 years ago my weight was too high & I would have put the helicopter, the pilot, myself...heck probably the entire population of Oahu in danger.

Even flying to the island was difficult. Those seats & those belts....can you say seat belt extender? Nothing puts a damper on a dream vacation like starting it out by having to make adjustments because of your size.

Let me take you back to one of my most vivid & dark moments of my adult life.

The plane had arrived in San Francisco late and I was the last one on the plane that was flying out to Oahu. Everyone else had stowed their bags & were waiting for takeoff when here I come...very large, out of breath girl with a grin stretching from ear to ear. I was going to Hawaii for a week! Of course I was smiling until I got to the only empty seat left of the plane.

Sitting in the adjoining seat was a very pretty and slender woman. She took one look at the empty seat, one look at me, & her whole demeanor changed. I will never forget the look of uncomfortable disgust that flashed across her face. I tried to ignore it, said hello, and sat in my seat crestfallen that I had made someone feel so uncomfortable by just being in the same space as her. 

40 minutes into the flight I just couldn't shake this pressing sense of despair. I wanted to talk to her...to somehow show her that I was a good and great person. Someone worth having a conversation with instead of...well instead of whatever her preconceived notions of me where. I swear I tried three or four times to talk with her, but each time my eyes would start to tear up and I would have to choke down a sob.

So instead I wrote her a letter on my phone. I never gave it to her but I still have it saved after all this time...

"Excuse me. I know that I am a big girl & I'm sorry that you have the misfortune of being in the seat next to me. If there was something that I could do to make your flight more comfortable (maybe by moving to a different seat) I would gladly do so. 
I hate myself, my body, and how big I am. Please forgive me"

Can you imagine ever thinking this way about yourself? Today I'm in a good place, a strong place where I can grieve for the girl that I was back then. To think that I ever felt like I needed to apologize for merely existing is heart breaking.

What kind of potatoes do you want with that?

Pop quiz: What do two 10 lb bags of russet potatoes & 2 packages of bacon and I have in common?

17 days down...

What do these three bags of sugar and 3 1/2 blocks of butter mean to you?

Yes it could be for cookies but...

Who Do You See?

When you look at pictures of yourself, what do you see? How about in the mirror? What about in the eyes of your family and friends?  Self-perception has such a big affect on how we live our lives, what we think we deserve, and the way we love ourselves.

I've been giving my self-perception a lot of thought over the last few days, and have come to the conclusion that I have let the words of others influence the way I see myself for far too long.  As an adult, I am still letting the horrible words said to me as a child color my thoughts…despite the fact that I now know they were said to hide their own insecurities and pain.

So I've come to a decision!  The words of the past will not affect how I see myself any longer!  I'm better than that and deserve better.  We all do!

From now on I will remember and believe that I am and have always been

…a good daughter

…sassy

…a dork

...cute

… goofy

…a great wife

…smart

…a valued friend 

...a loving mom

...an artist

…and one hell of a cook!

I get that others might not see me the way I see myself...and thats ok!  They can see what they want to see, but isn't it time that we all start seeing for ourselves who we are?

<3 -Cat

Monday weigh in

This last week did not have me at my best.  I would love to use all the glorious food from my husband's birthday party as an excuse but I'm not going to. The real reasons my week wasn't what it could have been. I snacked late at night a few times and I skipped breakfast then over compensated later in the day.

Yes I messed up a few times over the last 7 days but I also did a lot right.  I didn't give up for the rest of the day when I had something unhealthy.  I didn't doubt myself or what I was capable of.  I sweated my butt off dancing around the house...I mean cleaning the house.  I didn't make a single joke at my own expense.  I didn't roll my eyes when my husband said I was beautiful.  They aren't huge victories, but a win is a win, right?!

On to the scale....

I'm a bit shocked over the inches lost since I started all of this.  I'm happy to report that I've worn a few shirts I haven't fit into in years, and my normal clothes have been feeling looser which is a big boost to my self esteem.  I do dread the measuring process, but its nice to have the numbers show "something" is happening when I don't feel like I can see a difference.

<3 - Cat

What’s your kryptonite?

*warning* you can see my geek showing a bit in this post!

What do Superman, Wonder Woman, and Daredevil have in common?

Well, Superman has a weakness to the powerful green rock.  Wonder Woman was rendered weak by having her hands tied together...by a man.  Daredevil was crippled by too much noise. 

Every superhero has a weak spot that keeps them from being at their best, and while I’m no superhero…I too have an Achilles' heel.

Scheduling a schedule

So I wrote down, crossed out, wrote it down again…and I still am not sure if I have all my bases covered.  I started with what rewards I might give to myself when I meet certain milestones, but the idea of actually getting to them feels almost impossible at times.  Any suggestions on what rewards I could do would really help this girl out. 

  

After rewards came my goals.  I mean what do I want?  Just saying that I want to lose weight...or become skinnier seems too broad with a lot of room for interpretation.  I wanted to have smaller goals to reach, and knowing myself I broke it down into 3 month segments.  Each milestone is big in itself but feels more manageable then saying “Lose 200 pounds”.  

Like a lot of other people that struggle with losing weight and becoming healthier, I see only the desired end result without looking at the small stuff that is needed to get there.  I figured that if I gave myself 6 months of goals to meet, I might be wiser in the end and able to reevaluate what I want after that.

In the spirit of getting wiser, I didn’t uber-stress over my exercise schedule.  I tend to over analyze and plan a lot of things only to give up after a while because I put too much pressure on myself.  I don't want to do that this time.  I want to build up gradually to being a gym rat.  Demanding 2 hour sessions every day isn't possible or something that I will likely stick with for more than a few days.  45 minutes isn't a lot of time but it is enough that I can focus on myself before my family needs me.

As for my blog, I truly enjoy it.  It’s nice to have a place for my voice.  I can vent, fess up, work through things…all with a sense of confidence that I normally wouldn’t have.  If I have learned one thing over the last few weeks, it is that a lot of people struggle with the same issues that I have and talking about it really helps.  If talking about my own struggles helps someone else then I can’t think of a better reason to post…more frequently.

So now I’m off to step on the scale to see where I’m at and to take measurements.  Good times right?

<3 - Cat

Day 35 - Square One (Take Two)

Well it has been a bit over a month since I posted my first video and if I'm completely honest I haven't improved much physically....slightly better mentally but not by much.  I had fully intended to go to the gym every day for at least 45 minutes....cook every day....be a different better person EVERY DAY but it didn't work out that way.  

My husband had a health scare and I used that as a "reasonable" excuse to not try as hard.  My son was acting out and getting into trouble so I convinced myself that I should stay at home with him instead to going to the gym.  I was called a "Whale" and "Fatty" while at the pool with my son and I let that destroy my self-confidence to the point I didn't leave the house for a week.  I probably had a hundred plausible excuses that let me not try as hard as I could have over the last month, but in the end I'm still in the same place I was when this whole thing started.  

SQUARE ONE...

Frankly, I'm pissed off at myself for not improving.  It’s so easy to say "Oh I'm going to skip today and get back to it tomorrow!" but the trick is actually getting back to it.  Skipping day after day just turns into a month of doing nothing - of no weight lost, no gains in confidence....just lost time and opportunities.  

I am going forward even if I’m still standing on the starting line.  All of the excuses I have used are still there, but I have realized that whether I’m at home or at the gym worrying - Steven’s health is what it is, Caleb’s behavior is not based off of the fact that I am taking some time for myself, and hiding out in my house isn’t going to change the fact that I’m a big target for jerks with no manners.

Since I’m the type of person that does better with structure I’m creating a schedule of things to do, goals to reach, and rewards to obtain. I figure that if I have something I need to do and be held accountable for, I might be more willing to stick to it in the beginning when it’s the easiest to put off.  Hopefully, the comments and messages that I have been receiving with continue as well.

So far I have

-go to the gym

-weigh in

It’s not much right now and needs more detail but it’s a start…right?!?!  After I get this posted I’m going to finesse it a bit so there is no question about what needs to get done over the next few months. 

Thanks for visiting!

<3 - Cat

OH!  If you made it to the end of all those words...congrats! Now, leave a comment so I know it’s not just my mother visiting the blog over and over again :D

Day 1

I'm starting out on this whole thing with being completely open and honest. I figure that if I can't be truthful with how I got to this point nothing will ever change.

 The truth is that every crappy thing that I have gone through has made the person that I am today.  Yes, part of that description includes being overweight...but you know what my weight can change.  I don't know how the hell I'm going to do this when I have everyone else to take care of before myself, but I'll find a way.

So cheers and let the journey begin.

-Cat