Should I try again?

It's fun that I'm considering auditioning for the #BiggestLoser this year when right around this time last year I was in my car driving down to Salt Lake City to audition for Extreme Makeover Weightloss Edition. It was a spur of the moment type decision that had me go through two call backs & believing that I might make it to the final casting. In the end I didn't receive a call and I was devastated.

Not getting a callback last year felt like a validation for all the worry, self-doubt, and insecurities that I have cocooned myself in my entire life. You know, the feelings that I wasn't fat-pretty enough, not interesting enough....I could go on BUT if there is one thing this last year has taught me....all the negative crap isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days/weeks where I don't see the point in trying. Days where it is such a big obstacle to overcome that I can feel exhausted just thinking about it.

Perfect example -Today. Today was a rough one.

Steven's migraine was on day three and he had started to have chest pains which meant that we were headed to the ER. While I was sitting in the tiny little room, holding my husband's hand as he was passed out, I looked down and just felt despair.

What a cruel joke that I AM the healthiest one in my little family. Right now, I can care for Steven the way he needs but how long can that last? I've lost bits of weight and gained it back for awhile now. I just can't seem to grasp the concept firmly enough to be permanent. I need someone to guide me, to help me find my way (I realize that sounds corny but its the only way I know how to say it).

Despite how much it hurt to not be chosen last time, I want to try again. The casting info calls for former athletes. I've never considered myself a "real" athlete because of my weight but someone very kind pointed out, "If you could powerlift with the football team & place at a state meet...you my friend were an athlete!"

Maybe they are right. Maybe I still am...just under a very dense layer of insulation. Heck, maybe I will audition!

Anyone have a couch I can crash on for a few days in April? Better yet, anyone want to go with me and audition? : )

Real life fluffy

So when I get bored I make things on photoshop...

Salmon Cakes

A few days ago I made these puppies for lunch & a few people on my FB asked for the recipe.

This was put together out of staple items I had in my pantry and fridge...and I didn't measure cuz who's got  time for that?! That being said,, all the measured ingredients are best-guesstimates.

This kind of dancing is contagious...

What's that you say? Why am I so happy and dancing like a fool? Well...I stepped on the scale today. Usually doing so doesn't elicit anything other than a sad shake of the head and a small pep talk BUT today it was all happy dance for the scale read 342. Do you see that number?  For those that are counting, that's a loss of 36 lbs! Take a moment and happy dance with me!!

That felt good right? Added bonus...celebratory dancing counts as cardio, ya know.

I'm also jazzed by the fact that today I'm able to wear a sweatshirt that I have never been able to wear. A couple of years ago I bought this kick-ass sweatshirt. I had wanted to buy it in my size but the store didn't have any available (in truth I don't think they carry them at all but what else is new?!). The lack of availability didn't stop me tho. I bought the next size and set it with the others.

What others you ask?

Oh come on! I can't be the only person that buys clothes that they want to fit into...ya know "GOAL CLOTHES". Hmmm maybe I am the only one that does it. My husband certainly thinks so & questions it at least once a year.

Anywho, after stepping on the scale I dared to go into my closet. Losing weight is one thing, but being able to fit into clothes that you have never been able to fit into before...well that just feels awesome. Typically I wear a pair of jeans and a dark grey shirt, but I have so many cute girly clothes that I want to wear. This is going to be the year that I get to take the tags off the clothes and wear them!!

Look out 2014 cause I'm coming for you!

Who has made a resolution for the new year? I know I have! I also know that in the past...well, let's just say I haven't done so well with keeping them. Usually I do really well in January only to see all of it stop by February, by March I'm wondering why I stopped in the first place, and by April I'm thinking that I'll do better next year!

1st resolution: Don't stop at the end of the month.

I left this open-ended because "Stop what?" Hmmm how about: Don't stop moving. Don't stop believing in yourself. Don't stop trying. Don't stop having fun. Don't stop till you get enough. Ok so that last one was just a joke. The point is that I have a habit of stopping because I don't see results fast enough. I also stop seeing the value in making any sort of a change, but I'm realizing that the value isn't in making the change but the value in me. Does that make any sense?? I'm worth the changes...no matter how long it takes to see the results.

2nd resolution: Relax.

I'm a perfectionist. Just ask my mom or my husband....or anyone that has ever had to work with me on a project. I have put so much pressure on myself in the past to do things perfectly...to plan it until every detail has been covered that lose why I started. So in 2014 I'm going to relax and do what I can. I'll still try to do my best but if it doesn't go smoothly...that's ok. My motto - It doesn't need to be perfect to be perfect.

There have been many times that my journal entry would have looked like this.

and finally...my 3rd resolution is to stopping putting things off until "later" or "next time".

Why do I have to wait to do something? Will I be more successful if I start it at the beginning of the week as opposed to the middle of the week? There is a sort of appealing symmetry in starting something like a weight loss plan at the start of a new week, but the truth is its just an excuse to not do it. It doesn't matter when I start it. I'm not going to lose more if I start on a Monday instead of a Thursday.

I've also decided that each and every single meal that crosses the lips of my family in 2014 will be of my own making. I'm self-trained but a damn fine cook. Fast food and meals from restaurants are fine but they lack flavor. We eat better tasting & healthier food when I'm the one cooking *slight bragging*.

So here's to 2014 and sticking to resolutions!