Good News

Guess who is going to be on the radio? 

Well yes lots of musicians but also ME!

On May 28th at 7:30am I will be on 100.7 XL Country.

I'm a wee bit excited!

Stessed

Today this smile on my face is just for show. 

Notice the changes and celebrate them

Today I experienced something I haven't been able to in a very long time...we are talking ten years or more! I was able to sit comfortably in the back of my car and use a seatbelt!

Because of Steven's injuries I have been the primary driver for awhile. On the rare occasion I've sat in either the front or back passenger seat...well it's always been an extremely uncomfortable situation. The front passenger seatbelt was a struggle. As in I was struggling to breathe while strapped in. The back seat? Yeah that wasn't going to happen three months ago. Today? I was able to buckle in comfortably. 

So why am I taking photos and talking about it? Because the small victories matter. Learning to celebrate any accomplishment no matter how big or small is what makes this journey different

from all the other ones I've tried to take in the past. 

Week 14

I've let the stress and worry over the past week overwhelm me. I've used it as an excuse to not be the bad ass beast I've worked to be. 

This week that all changes. I'm back in the weight room and on the treadmill sweating like crazy & making progress. 

Sliding in Week 12

I have a confession to make.

Today I slide back into the comfortable and unhealthy habits that I relied on heavily three months ago.

I bought and ate a piece of chocolate cake. It was sweet and rich and....didn't help me at all.

What's up with that, cake? I mean you were my go to for all emotional issues for years. Could it possibly be that you NEVER helped?! Could it be that you were just a distraction from the real issues? For the last three months I have missed your company, your taste, and magic salve that would fix my day. I feel foolish for putting my trust in such a small bakery item.

I would like to say that now I know better, but right now all I can focus on is the fact that I am utterly sick to my stomach from all of that chocolate.

I feel ashamed that I went there.

I am disgusted with how my body feels.

Dear lord I think I might be sick...

So what caused my current state?

Week 9 & the Start of Week 10

First with the good news. When I weighed in at the start of week 9, the scale said 357. That means that I have lost a total of 33 lbs so far.

The bad news? Other than the weigh in, all of week 9 sucked.

Not in a my life was going crazy and I turned to my old "eat the stress away" sort of suck...it was more of a being a woman this week sucks and my whole body hurts and I don't want to move because it will hurt sort of way.

I didn't go to the gym much during the week and my whole being felt it. My body was craving the movement & exercise. My mind was constantly thinking of what I should have been doing instead of laying in bed trying not to cry.

Knowing that my body needed the rest I stayed in the fetal position but the self-doubt and negative thoughts started creeping into my mind.

It's so incredibly hard to stay positive when "I'm never going to really lose all this weight" and "What's the point?" type thoughts are running through my head. Fortunately, my trainer (Kristi) and health coach (Jackie) both had me start doing positive thinking homework recently.

Nothing Is Going to Hold Me Back

Let me start off by asking you a question. Is there anything that you would like to do but can't? What's holding you back?

For me, the answer is a resounding YES! I am an adventurous person by nature who has not had much of said adventure in her life. Why? Mostly because my weight has always been above the maximum limits.

I went to Hawaii a few years ago. I loved every minute of it but my weight restricted what I could do. Helicopter tour around the island? Sounds like a once in a lifetime dream but nope...not for me. Even 6 years ago my weight was too high & I would have put the helicopter, the pilot, myself...heck probably the entire population of Oahu in danger.

Even flying to the island was difficult. Those seats & those belts....can you say seat belt extender? Nothing puts a damper on a dream vacation like starting it out by having to make adjustments because of your size.

Let me take you back to one of my most vivid & dark moments of my adult life.

The plane had arrived in San Francisco late and I was the last one on the plane that was flying out to Oahu. Everyone else had stowed their bags & were waiting for takeoff when here I come...very large, out of breath girl with a grin stretching from ear to ear. I was going to Hawaii for a week! Of course I was smiling until I got to the only empty seat left of the plane.

Sitting in the adjoining seat was a very pretty and slender woman. She took one look at the empty seat, one look at me, & her whole demeanor changed. I will never forget the look of uncomfortable disgust that flashed across her face. I tried to ignore it, said hello, and sat in my seat crestfallen that I had made someone feel so uncomfortable by just being in the same space as her. 

40 minutes into the flight I just couldn't shake this pressing sense of despair. I wanted to talk to her...to somehow show her that I was a good and great person. Someone worth having a conversation with instead of...well instead of whatever her preconceived notions of me where. I swear I tried three or four times to talk with her, but each time my eyes would start to tear up and I would have to choke down a sob.

So instead I wrote her a letter on my phone. I never gave it to her but I still have it saved after all this time...

"Excuse me. I know that I am a big girl & I'm sorry that you have the misfortune of being in the seat next to me. If there was something that I could do to make your flight more comfortable (maybe by moving to a different seat) I would gladly do so. 
I hate myself, my body, and how big I am. Please forgive me"

Can you imagine ever thinking this way about yourself? Today I'm in a good place, a strong place where I can grieve for the girl that I was back then. To think that I ever felt like I needed to apologize for merely existing is heart breaking.