Stressed

After my workout yesterday, I got a call from my husband. Normally our conversations are the typical "How's your day? How are you feeling" sort of thing but this one was different.

As I have mentioned in the past, Steven has a pretty horrible back injury that has left him in incredible amounts of pain for almost ten years. We have struggle to find ways to help him manage the pain or to find a VA doctor that would help correct the issue. Since our move to the Bozeman area, we have been lucky enough to find a bit of both & the VA is in the process of getting a spinal fusion surgery approved. This in itself is the miracle we have been praying for, but this miracle doesn't come without it's own set of problems.

See the recovery time for something like this is usually 3 or more months & Steven's work will only cover a month of LOA at full pay. So now we are faced with the option of Steven potentially getting better but at the cost of not being able to pay our bills...like our mortgage. 

The stress of this has been killing me. I had a full blown panic attack last night - complete with tears, hyperventilating, chest pain...and to top it off a bloody nose. You could say that I was a complete mess. Before I started making changes to be a better me, I would have turned to a nice piece of chocolate cake to comfort me through all of this, but last night I didn't want that to be an option so I was left with this overwhelming problem and no way of dealing with it. 

I'm headed off to the gym in a about five minutes with nothing in my stomach (since I can't hold anything down right now), on 4 hours of sleep (since I couldn't stop thinking and worrying), and a confused mind & heart. Today, I really don't know how I'm going to do this.

*update*

I found how to do it. There are is an amazing group of people at The Ridge that helped me focus on me instead of what was going on at home. I worked out with Jen for a hour, my muscles are exhausted but my mind feels a bit more centered.

I still have no idea how we are going to handle Steven's surgery and the recovery but somehow we'll manage.