Nothing Is Going to Hold Me Back

Let me start off by asking you a question. Is there anything that you would like to do but can't? What's holding you back?

For me, the answer is a resounding YES! I am an adventurous person by nature who has not had much of said adventure in her life. Why? Mostly because my weight has always been above the maximum limits.

I went to Hawaii a few years ago. I loved every minute of it but my weight restricted what I could do. Helicopter tour around the island? Sounds like a once in a lifetime dream but nope...not for me. Even 6 years ago my weight was too high & I would have put the helicopter, the pilot, myself...heck probably the entire population of Oahu in danger.

Even flying to the island was difficult. Those seats & those belts....can you say seat belt extender? Nothing puts a damper on a dream vacation like starting it out by having to make adjustments because of your size.

Let me take you back to one of my most vivid & dark moments of my adult life.

The plane had arrived in San Francisco late and I was the last one on the plane that was flying out to Oahu. Everyone else had stowed their bags & were waiting for takeoff when here I come...very large, out of breath girl with a grin stretching from ear to ear. I was going to Hawaii for a week! Of course I was smiling until I got to the only empty seat left of the plane.

Sitting in the adjoining seat was a very pretty and slender woman. She took one look at the empty seat, one look at me, & her whole demeanor changed. I will never forget the look of uncomfortable disgust that flashed across her face. I tried to ignore it, said hello, and sat in my seat crestfallen that I had made someone feel so uncomfortable by just being in the same space as her. 

40 minutes into the flight I just couldn't shake this pressing sense of despair. I wanted to talk to her...to somehow show her that I was a good and great person. Someone worth having a conversation with instead of...well instead of whatever her preconceived notions of me where. I swear I tried three or four times to talk with her, but each time my eyes would start to tear up and I would have to choke down a sob.

So instead I wrote her a letter on my phone. I never gave it to her but I still have it saved after all this time...

"Excuse me. I know that I am a big girl & I'm sorry that you have the misfortune of being in the seat next to me. If there was something that I could do to make your flight more comfortable (maybe by moving to a different seat) I would gladly do so. 
I hate myself, my body, and how big I am. Please forgive me"

Can you imagine ever thinking this way about yourself? Today I'm in a good place, a strong place where I can grieve for the girl that I was back then. To think that I ever felt like I needed to apologize for merely existing is heart breaking.

At the end of week 7...

Today is the start of week 8 for me but the end of week 7 was a rough one.

I'm happy to say that I didn't binge on what I wanted. I went to bed & woke up with determination to rock this week & an appreciation what I have done in the last several weeks & how far I've come.

I mean losing 30 pounds in 6 weeks and 14 inches in 37 days is nothing to scoff at.

Seven weeks ago, on January 27th, I walked into the gym feeling out of breath. My back was already starting to hurt from just walking across the parking lot and my mind...ha my mind was in overdrive trying to convince me to go back home.

After all, I had joined a gym before. I had exercised and watched what I ate before and it had ALWAYS ended the same way...with me stopping before I had ever given it a real chance. (That's for another blog post) So what made this time different? At the time it didn't feel different. I was sad & depressed about my life, my health, and it all felt hopeless. Sound familiar?

What kind of potatoes do you want with that?

Pop quiz: What do two 10 lb bags of russet potatoes & 2 packages of bacon and I have in common?