Changing of the Guard

I'm not sure if this will work any better but I've changed over to another site for my blog. IF you visit this one or subscribe please click the link to head over to the new blog.

Journey Of A Fat Cat

Journey is Moving Forward

I have had several issues with this blog over the past few months. I am currently in the process of moving Journey of a Fat Cat to a new site. Once it is up the link will be posted here....

Still alive

I'm still here and working on a better me that I can say I'm proud of. Summer has been crazy and I've deviated from stuff a bit but starting tomorrow I'm back in the gym. 

I can feel myself getting irritable and restless from not being in the gym as much the past week. Being irritable and restless is a horrible combination when you're trying to eat healthy. At least for me my ability to step away from the pizza or step away from the cheeseburger is a hell of a lot harder when I haven't done all that I can. It's an interesting situation when you think about it. If I don't exercise I don't eat healthy but if I exercise I do eat healthy.

I think there might be something to that but I'll have to explain a bit more. 

A quick video update

This isn't long but I needed to get this somewhere besides my head. 

Why Yes! I just said I felt sexy....

I have a question. Would food posts be something you would want to read?

I have learned over the last 4 months that food & nutrition are a huge part of losing weight. I have also come to the conclusion that I absolutely refuse to have a boring diet. I've tried the chicken & veg thing for every meal & it just isn't worth it. This is meant to be a life change & I want my life to be filled with delicious food. I would like to share my favorite recipes if there is interest. So what do you say? Are you interested? Let me know so I can get to working on it.

And now to today's post:

Today is Sunday & that usually means relaxing time with the family, but today we headed to the gym to enjoy the pool...except I couldn't since my newest tattoo is still healing. So while my guys were hanging out in the pool, I was out on the gym floor working up a sweat. And do you know what I realized? I LOVE Sunday workouts!

It's quite, the machines & weights that I want to use are immediately available, and when you have the gym to yourself it's like magic.

I also had a realization after the gym today. I realized that I feel like such a bad ass after my workout. It has taken awhile to get to this point, but I really do feel sassy, sexy, strong, and empowered after I've spent an hour at the gym. That feeling of awesomeness gets me going on my worst days where even the idea of putting on a bra seems like too much work. On days like that, it helps to know that if I just get going I will feel 1000% better.

For my workout today I started out on the treadmill. I hate the damn thing but it's helping me see results so I can't hate on it too bad. My trainer, Jen, introduced me to this thing called pyramids last week & I'm trying my best to complete the whole thing, but it's challenging. So what are pyramids? Well you basically start out on a nicely paced walk for 5 minutes. Jen says this is to warm up but I'm convinced that it to fool your body into thinking it's just an easy day at the gym.

Next you turn up the speed for 10 seconds. Now this increased speed depends on what you feel comfortable with. I bump it up to a 4.8 most times but it really depends. After that 10 seconds you go back to a walk for 50 seconds. Again this is a nice way to fool your body into thinking that you were just fooling around...that nothing serious is about to happen.

After that 50 seconds of lovely walking you again turn of the speed but for 20 seconds this time. And really what is 20 seconds? Nothing really! You can totally jog or run for 20 seconds.

Next is a 30 seconds of walking and 30 seconds of running. This is where I start not liking this drill so much but continue on because it's only 30 seconds. What's the worst that can happen?

I'll tell you what! The running time becomes longer than the walking. You now are doing 20 seconds of walking and 40 seconds of running, but really it's only 40 seconds & you will survive...I promise!

Next up is walking for 10 seconds and running for 50. At this point, this may seem like a horrible idea. The first few times I did this I was completely sure that I wasn't going to be able to make it the full 50 seconds & actually didn't a couple of times. The key is to not give up, keep going, & to try again.

Now here comes the moment of truth. A full 60 seconds of running or jogging. If you are like me & relatively new to the world of "I'm voluntarily choosing to run" this will suck the first few times....but it's only 1 minute of your life. You can do this for 60 seconds.

Now you've done the first side of the pyramid & might be asking what's next!? Well my friend, you went up one side & have to come down the other side of the pyramid. I'm still working on the descending side but it's getting there.

Just starting has helped in so many ways. My breathing capacity, my stamina, my confidence, my weight...it's all been helped by simply adding this 20 minute workout to my routine. So if you are just starting out or if you have been in the gym but avoiding the cardio, this is a great way to start!

A Reminder

Why am I doing this?

I've found myself asking this question a few times over the past four months. The answer this time came in the form of a climbing harness at the Spire Climbing Center. 

The kid has fallen in love with climbing.

The first time we went, I could only look at the harness and make jokes. Last weekend I was able to get it on and buckled...except for that one that goes over the butt. It just didn't want to go there. This weekend who knows!? What I do know is that it's an immediate goal that is in reach. 

For now I'm using it to keep going...to walk that extra bit on the treadmill & lift that last few reps when my arms feel like jelly. 

Spending quality time with my husband and son, doing something active is why I'm not stopping (even when I want to)

UP NEXT: A quick and easy recipe guaranteed to put a smile on your face! 

Caleb's BAM Chicken. 

Good News

Guess who is going to be on the radio? 

Well yes lots of musicians but also ME!

On May 28th at 7:30am I will be on 100.7 XL Country.

I'm a wee bit excited!

Stessed

Today this smile on my face is just for show. 

Notice the changes and celebrate them

Today I experienced something I haven't been able to in a very long time...we are talking ten years or more! I was able to sit comfortably in the back of my car and use a seatbelt!

Because of Steven's injuries I have been the primary driver for awhile. On the rare occasion I've sat in either the front or back passenger seat...well it's always been an extremely uncomfortable situation. The front passenger seatbelt was a struggle. As in I was struggling to breathe while strapped in. The back seat? Yeah that wasn't going to happen three months ago. Today? I was able to buckle in comfortably. 

So why am I taking photos and talking about it? Because the small victories matter. Learning to celebrate any accomplishment no matter how big or small is what makes this journey different

from all the other ones I've tried to take in the past. 

Week 14

I've let the stress and worry over the past week overwhelm me. I've used it as an excuse to not be the bad ass beast I've worked to be. 

This week that all changes. I'm back in the weight room and on the treadmill sweating like crazy & making progress. 

Sliding in Week 12

I have a confession to make.

Today I slide back into the comfortable and unhealthy habits that I relied on heavily three months ago.

I bought and ate a piece of chocolate cake. It was sweet and rich and....didn't help me at all.

What's up with that, cake? I mean you were my go to for all emotional issues for years. Could it possibly be that you NEVER helped?! Could it be that you were just a distraction from the real issues? For the last three months I have missed your company, your taste, and magic salve that would fix my day. I feel foolish for putting my trust in such a small bakery item.

I would like to say that now I know better, but right now all I can focus on is the fact that I am utterly sick to my stomach from all of that chocolate.

I feel ashamed that I went there.

I am disgusted with how my body feels.

Dear lord I think I might be sick...

So what caused my current state?

Week 9 & the Start of Week 10

First with the good news. When I weighed in at the start of week 9, the scale said 357. That means that I have lost a total of 33 lbs so far.

The bad news? Other than the weigh in, all of week 9 sucked.

Not in a my life was going crazy and I turned to my old "eat the stress away" sort of suck...it was more of a being a woman this week sucks and my whole body hurts and I don't want to move because it will hurt sort of way.

I didn't go to the gym much during the week and my whole being felt it. My body was craving the movement & exercise. My mind was constantly thinking of what I should have been doing instead of laying in bed trying not to cry.

Knowing that my body needed the rest I stayed in the fetal position but the self-doubt and negative thoughts started creeping into my mind.

It's so incredibly hard to stay positive when "I'm never going to really lose all this weight" and "What's the point?" type thoughts are running through my head. Fortunately, my trainer (Kristi) and health coach (Jackie) both had me start doing positive thinking homework recently.

Nothing Is Going to Hold Me Back

Let me start off by asking you a question. Is there anything that you would like to do but can't? What's holding you back?

For me, the answer is a resounding YES! I am an adventurous person by nature who has not had much of said adventure in her life. Why? Mostly because my weight has always been above the maximum limits.

I went to Hawaii a few years ago. I loved every minute of it but my weight restricted what I could do. Helicopter tour around the island? Sounds like a once in a lifetime dream but nope...not for me. Even 6 years ago my weight was too high & I would have put the helicopter, the pilot, myself...heck probably the entire population of Oahu in danger.

Even flying to the island was difficult. Those seats & those belts....can you say seat belt extender? Nothing puts a damper on a dream vacation like starting it out by having to make adjustments because of your size.

Let me take you back to one of my most vivid & dark moments of my adult life.

The plane had arrived in San Francisco late and I was the last one on the plane that was flying out to Oahu. Everyone else had stowed their bags & were waiting for takeoff when here I come...very large, out of breath girl with a grin stretching from ear to ear. I was going to Hawaii for a week! Of course I was smiling until I got to the only empty seat left of the plane.

Sitting in the adjoining seat was a very pretty and slender woman. She took one look at the empty seat, one look at me, & her whole demeanor changed. I will never forget the look of uncomfortable disgust that flashed across her face. I tried to ignore it, said hello, and sat in my seat crestfallen that I had made someone feel so uncomfortable by just being in the same space as her. 

40 minutes into the flight I just couldn't shake this pressing sense of despair. I wanted to talk to her...to somehow show her that I was a good and great person. Someone worth having a conversation with instead of...well instead of whatever her preconceived notions of me where. I swear I tried three or four times to talk with her, but each time my eyes would start to tear up and I would have to choke down a sob.

So instead I wrote her a letter on my phone. I never gave it to her but I still have it saved after all this time...

"Excuse me. I know that I am a big girl & I'm sorry that you have the misfortune of being in the seat next to me. If there was something that I could do to make your flight more comfortable (maybe by moving to a different seat) I would gladly do so. 
I hate myself, my body, and how big I am. Please forgive me"

Can you imagine ever thinking this way about yourself? Today I'm in a good place, a strong place where I can grieve for the girl that I was back then. To think that I ever felt like I needed to apologize for merely existing is heart breaking.

At the end of week 7...

Today is the start of week 8 for me but the end of week 7 was a rough one.

I'm happy to say that I didn't binge on what I wanted. I went to bed & woke up with determination to rock this week & an appreciation what I have done in the last several weeks & how far I've come.

I mean losing 30 pounds in 6 weeks and 14 inches in 37 days is nothing to scoff at.

Seven weeks ago, on January 27th, I walked into the gym feeling out of breath. My back was already starting to hurt from just walking across the parking lot and my mind...ha my mind was in overdrive trying to convince me to go back home.

After all, I had joined a gym before. I had exercised and watched what I ate before and it had ALWAYS ended the same way...with me stopping before I had ever given it a real chance. (That's for another blog post) So what made this time different? At the time it didn't feel different. I was sad & depressed about my life, my health, and it all felt hopeless. Sound familiar?

What kind of potatoes do you want with that?

Pop quiz: What do two 10 lb bags of russet potatoes & 2 packages of bacon and I have in common?

Four weeks down...

As of yesterday (February 24th 2015) I will have been working out & really focusing on me for an entire month.

The first two weeks were really amazing. I lost a little over 16 pounds, my energy was higher than it has ever been, and I was excited to have this new routine in my life. The third week saw me struggle a bit.

Valentine's Day happened and my sodium intake was probably a bit higher than it should have been. I stepped on the scale & had gained 3 pounds. I won't lie & say that I took it in stride...that I just shrugged it off and went to workout. No, I freaked out a bit & found myself doing things that the old me would do. I started thinking that it wasn't worth it. I thought that taking a day off from the exercise & healthy eating would be ok. I mean I worked my tail off in the gym...sweated till it was covering everything and I still gained?!

In near tears I headed for the door of the gym. The plan was to go home & sulk. Those numbers were defeating me & I was going to let them sabotage the rest of my day. Heck, I probably would have let it ruin the rest of my week, but as I was walking out I decided to stop by Jenny's desk. Man am I glad that I did.

The high salt intake over week three had me retaining water. Never before had I stopped to consider what that meant but WOW now I know it is a real thing. My conversation with Jenny and my trainer, Jen, left me feeling hopeful that this wasn't a defining moment to showcase something else that I had failed at. With a renewed optimism I went and worked out. I drank a ton of water & really focused on what I what for the next 24 hours which led me to losing 3 lbs. 3LBS!!

The rest of the third week, I held onto that 3 lbs like a life preserver. Anytime I started doubting myself or consider eating like crap I would reach for that 3 lb reminder. Did it help? Definitely. Did it help every time? No. I am still in the progress of breaking a lifetime of bad habits...both mentally & physically. In a perfect world I would make no mistakes & my habits would correct themselves with little effort on my part. Yes that would be a perfect world, but I don't live there.

I live in a world where daily I am stressed over something. In a world where I still want to reach for food to deal with that stress. I haven't yet but there are times where it is truly it's own workout to say no & change directions.

When week four rolled around I was still focusing on what I had learned in week 3. I was in the gym twice a day & feeling good. That was until Thursday morning where I woke up with some of the worst back pain I have felt in a long time. Sitting up straight was a challenge. Sitting slouched over was difficult. Simply put I was miserable.

For a brief moment I considered canceling my time with my trainer & crawling back into bed, but that is what I have done my whole life. I don't want to be that person anymore so I met with Jen for my session. By the end of it I was feeling a bit better. And by that I mean I could sit slouched without tearing up.

After the gym I decided to go see my chiropractor up in Kalispell. It was a bit of an insane spur-of-the-moment decision to travel so far but Dr Neiter is totally worth it. My visit with him had me walking straight with little to no pain at all. I really need to convince him to move to this area lol.

The next 2 days I was traveling back home. Between the weather & a late night hanging out with a friend, I didn't have time or try to make the time to get in any sort of a workout and man o man did I notice it. I felt sluggish and slow. My motivation disappeared so much so that by Monday I wanted to do nothing but sit. It really amazes me how easily I can slip back into old habits.

Just when I think I have a handle on the situation I will go off track in one way or another. I guess I should give myself more than a couple weeks to create new habits? And maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. At least I'm better than I was when this started a month ago.

All of that brings me to the start of week 5....how about I put that part in a video. If you've read this far you deserve a break :D

17 days down...

What do these three bags of sugar and 3 1/2 blocks of butter mean to you?

Yes it could be for cookies but...

Stressed

After my workout yesterday, I got a call from my husband. Normally our conversations are the typical "How's your day? How are you feeling" sort of thing but this one was different.

As I have mentioned in the past, Steven has a pretty horrible back injury that has left him in incredible amounts of pain for almost ten years. We have struggle to find ways to help him manage the pain or to find a VA doctor that would help correct the issue. Since our move to the Bozeman area, we have been lucky enough to find a bit of both & the VA is in the process of getting a spinal fusion surgery approved. This in itself is the miracle we have been praying for, but this miracle doesn't come without it's own set of problems.

See the recovery time for something like this is usually 3 or more months & Steven's work will only cover a month of LOA at full pay. So now we are faced with the option of Steven potentially getting better but at the cost of not being able to pay our bills...like our mortgage. 

The stress of this has been killing me. I had a full blown panic attack last night - complete with tears, hyperventilating, chest pain...and to top it off a bloody nose. You could say that I was a complete mess. Before I started making changes to be a better me, I would have turned to a nice piece of chocolate cake to comfort me through all of this, but last night I didn't want that to be an option so I was left with this overwhelming problem and no way of dealing with it. 

I'm headed off to the gym in a about five minutes with nothing in my stomach (since I can't hold anything down right now), on 4 hours of sleep (since I couldn't stop thinking and worrying), and a confused mind & heart. Today, I really don't know how I'm going to do this.

*update*

I found how to do it. There are is an amazing group of people at The Ridge that helped me focus on me instead of what was going on at home. I worked out with Jen for a hour, my muscles are exhausted but my mind feels a bit more centered.

I still have no idea how we are going to handle Steven's surgery and the recovery but somehow we'll manage.

Starting point

Today, I got up & was excited about what I had going on. I was meeting with, Jackie, my health coach & then with Jen, one of my trainers.

Talking with Jackie was comfortable. Don't get me wrong - We talked about uncomfortable issues but she is easy to talk with which made the whole process much easier. I really do think that having a health coach has been a vital missing link. With Jackie I'm going to be looking at the whys and the hows which will help me understand and manage my food/weight issues.

Up next was my meeting with Jen. She seems kind and understanding but driven & passionate about what she is doing. We started out with a bit of Q & A and then headed to the locker room to get acquainted with the scale. Now, I love the scale most of the time. I love that it is unbiased & a clear fact. A scale doesn't lie or get mad. It doesn't judge you as you stand there all vulnerable. It just does it's job and tells you where you're at. Well, it did it's job and certainly told be where I'm at...390.8 lbs.

Am I embarrassed but that number? YES! Am I ashamed? No. It is what it is and all I can do is go forward. Getting angry or being ashamed is only going to make me focus on the number. I have better things to focus on...like making it a smaller one :D

So after the scale Jen put me on a treadmill. I started feeling pain in my back after a minute and a half. The side of my calves started cramping after 5 minutes. By 7 minutes I was reconsidering this whole thing but I pushed past it and made it to ten minutes. It's not much but for me, right now, it's a victory.

After the treadmill there were squats and bicep curls. The curls felt familiar, but the squats? My quads were killing me. My hope is that tomorrow I can do better than today & when you think about it...that's all anyone can really hope for. I just want to be a better me than the day before.

After I was done I could barely walk but somehow managed to make it to my car.

I made it home & really had to fight the negative thoughts that had started creeping in. You know the ones...the ones where you question if this is possible or the ones where you just tear yourself down for the pitiful state that your health is in. It seems to be an automatic response for me but I really & truly want to change that.

Jenny's spidey senses must have been tingling because she gave me a call and said all the things that I needed to hear. I got off the phone with a renewed attitude and went about my day being conscious of the choices that I was making.

All in all, I am glad that I went to the gym today & that I know where I'm starting from.

Oh and I wanted to share this with you. My son, Caleb, has been very supportive & understanding considering his age. He is a main source of motivation and I couldn't be prouder to call him my kid.

Until next time
-Cat

The Opportunity of a Lifetime...

In an effort to really and I mean REALLY lose this weight that I have tried over and over and over to lose, I made a call to the local gym here in Bozeman. I spoke with a really nice lady named Emily. She took my info and promised to have someone give me a call back. 

Now, I believe that some people are just meant to be in your life. Call it divine intervention or fate if you will but some are just meant to affect the course of your life. That's where Jenny enters the picture. She called me back & with that one conversation my world started to change.

I met with her a few days later to tour the facility & to meet a few of the other...I'm going to call them angels because they really are! I had emailed my video letter to Chris Powell and my Extreme Makeover submission to them prior to my visit. In other words they already knew where I was coming from. We talked about what my life was like and what I wanted. There were tears shed during the conversation. I mean this is ME we are talking about & the topic is a pretty darn emotional subject for me. At the end of the meeting, I felt excited, nervous but above all I felt hopeful. 

On Friday, I went back to discuss options and walked out of there with an entire plan! As of Tuesday January 27th 2015, I will be working with not one but TWO trainers, a small group of people that know the struggle, and a health coach!! Take a moment and re-read that last sentence. Go ahead, I'll wait...

Awesome huh?!

I know that I have so much work ahead of me, but this really is an opportunity of a lifetime. I am pumped and ready to do this with their guidance and support system. 

Now, I just have to go and buy some shoes and if you know me I really hate shoes but something tells me I won't get away with wearing flip flops.

Day 1...the remix

Oh hey hello there! It's but quite awhile since I've posted anything. Since March of 2014 to be precise & I don't really have a good reason for my absence.

So what has been going on since I last posted? Thanks for asking...you're very kind! Well, we moved to Belgrade and I stopped focusing on my weight loss. That's about all that has happened really in the past almost year.

My husband has been struggling health-wise & it was just easier to focus on being there for him. Ok, maybe easier isn't the best word to use...but it was certainly a great excuse to not look at myself much. Steven's health is still what it is...it needs improving, but I'm done not looking at myself.

I mean come on, I'm great. I think...sometimes.

The point is that I've come to realize that I'm worth focusing on. To start, I made a phone call to The Ridge Athletic Club in Bozeman which led me to meeting with some of their wonderful staff. I really can't put into words how I felt when I left there today. Hopeful maybe...or excited...or even nervous but in a good way. The opportunity that I have is what dream are made of. It will be a sweaty, hard-working, and sometimes difficult one but still a dream.

So here I am...starting over again but with more hope and determination that this time isn't going to end like all the others.

Today, I am going to weigh myself (not looking forward to that part), take measurements, and remain positive. After All, those numbers might be what I am right now but they don't define my future.

Until next time - Cat